Chaos with Cait

I never know if I am dying, and that is something that startles me.

The sky was extra beautiful today. And I, equate that to you being up there.

I cannot grasp the gravity of this loss. I wonder daily why my bloodline must endure cancer that ends so catastrophically. This isn’t fair. Life isn’t fair. I would do anything to ensure that you could still be here. Dana, your love and your light shined so brightly. You touched so many lives. You inspired people in ways you may have never fully known. You will be missed. Today, tomorrow and always.

Tomorrow is never promised. And I, am tired of living like it is.

I hate when a mediocre man tells me to smile. How about you give me something to smile about bitch.

My dreams, once sharp as glass now shimmer soft, and shapeless. Still, they have not left me.

Buried isn’t broken just waiting for the right sun.

What have you ever done for me besides what the law expected of you? You called it love. I call it the bare minimum.

Stronger where I need to be. Softer, where I want to be. Braver because I finally understand that courage is not the absence of fear it’s always been choosing myself, even while fear is still speaking.

Life is such a silly complex concept. Us humans, accept a life and then we waste most of it. What is that?

I find the most peace with my nose in a book, the sun on my skin, and my favorite food close by. I watch as the sun sets and the moon comes out to sit with me. I say goodbye and hello to my dear friends, at the same time. I leave my thoughts to rest, in the field full of wildflowers. Where I sit feeling blessed, that my time has come to truly rest.

So, let them. Let them talk. Let them wonder. Let them misunderstand.

My strangeness blooms where conformity dies. A garden no one expected.

Who do you think you are? ghosting me so frequently. “Ghosting” is a bit harsh. Ok. Fine. You have grown comfortable walking through my doors like they’re revolving.

Love has knocked before but always with rough hands, way too heavy for my door.

Comfortably uncomfortable. Such a difficult place to be.

The plan dissolved like sugar in tea. All that’s left is sweetness and the ache of what might’ve been.

My tears watered the ground, and something in me began to grow.

I can’t chase friendships any longer. My feet are broken, my legs too tired to keep running after people who never noticed I was limping. Most days I spend all my strength trying not to die, trying to make it to tomorrow without becoming another thing I’ve lost If I loved you, I will always love you. Distance doesn’t erase affection. Silence doesn’t mean resentment. It only means that survival has become my full time occupation. So if I stopped reaching, it wasn’t because you

Break free, love. Let fear fall like old petals that you’ve outgrown. You were made to shine, and the world has been waiting for your color.