Chaos with Cait

Her body is a library that survived the burning. Every breath of hers, is a page still being written.

Some days survival is the only victory a quiet, uncelebrated act of holding on when the world pulls at you hard.

I’ve been told that love is a gamble. I have been taught to keep my cards close, yet somehow still, my ADHD hands want to flip them over. I want to take the chance, I want to feel the rush.

Mornings start in battle, not against the sun, but the body I wake inside. My body bargains with me in whispers and threats. Every movement is taxed, and every breath is a ledger line. I rage at it. I call my body names you cannot say in polite rooms. I curse the cells that chose mutiny over loyalty. I scream at the mirror until the glass fogs from breath, with proof that I am still here. But still, the air, something so basic turns predator when I’m not paying attention. I w

I care too much, about almost everything. This has created immense stress, and problems for me.

The dragon breathes fire, when she so desires.

She was never small. The world simply built rooms that could not hold her hunger for more.

I cannot untangle the burdens of my own life. Yet I keep showing up where I can, when I can. It doesn’t solve a thing. Still, for a moment, I feel lighter.

Rebuilding my life from ruin, has been the hardest thing to accept as true.

I water uncertainty like a garden, trusting that it knows how to bloom.

The loudest hate comes from the ones closest to me. I know exactly who they are, and still, I let them breathe. They couldn’t survive a single day inside my skin, yet they critique the way I carry its weight. Sometimes, I’d spend my last dime just to watch them try.. and fail.

I grow bored so easily. You must work to keep my interest, if that interests you.

I let myself feel it all, because every emotion belongs to my aliveness. And, my aliveness is what keeps me here.

Women are not wonders because we are rare, but because we endure. Like ancient cities, we remain after the weather.

Sun-kissed, Lounging, Champagne, Floating, Laughter, Exploring, Down-time, Enjoying, Existing, Remembering the things that I have been missing.

Today, I say goodbye to yet another piece of me. I thank my body for all that it has endured, just to keep me here. At noon I will part ways, with who I used to be. And, in this fragile time I just ask the universe to comfort me.

Time stares at me unmoving, as my heartbeat runs laps.

Anxiety does not arrive with the thunder of Thor. It slips beneath the skin, an unseen tide rising through the ribs until my lungs become strangers and my throat is pulled tight by hands no one else can see. Anxiety for me is a silent strangling, where every swallow feels borrowed. The world begins to dissolve. Colors lose their certainty. Voices stretch into echoes. The floor forgets how to hold me, and reality fractures into sharp, glittering pieces I can no longer gather.

My heart yearns for stability. I crave independence, and freedom with every breath I breathe.

Life is just that, breathtakingly brutal, yet so, so, so beautiful