Chaos with Cait

What have you ever done for me besides what the law expected of you? You called it love. I call it the bare minimum.

The plan dissolved like sugar in tea. All that’s left is sweetness and the ache of what might’ve been.

I can’t chase friendships any longer. My feet are broken, my legs too tired to keep running after people who never noticed I was limping. Most days I spend all my strength trying not to die, trying to make it to tomorrow without becoming another thing I’ve lost If I loved you, I will always love you. Distance doesn’t erase affection. Silence doesn’t mean resentment. It only means that survival has become my full time occupation. So if I stopped reaching, it wasn’t because you

I’ve been told that love is a gamble. I have been taught to keep my cards close, yet somehow still, my ADHD hands want to flip them over. I want to take the chance, I want to feel the rush.

Women are not wonders because we are rare, but because we endure. Like ancient cities, we remain after the weather.

Today, I say goodbye to yet another piece of me. I thank my body for all that it has endured, just to keep me here. At noon I will part ways, with who I used to be. And, in this fragile time I just ask the universe to comfort me.

I grew up dreaming of stability. Not wealth. Not success. Just a floor that stayed beneath my feet. For as long as I remember, every house I lived in felt haunted. Not by ghosts, but by addiction, neglect, rage that traveled through walls, and adults who carried storms inside of them. I was a child, learning to read for danger before I learned safety. I listened for footsteps. Measured voices. Studied slammed doors. Home was never a place. It was a question. Would the lights

I spent years starving myself of the love I hungered for the most. I learned to live with the ache of longing, carrying it like a wound I refused to let heal. I poured every ounce of tenderness into loving you believing that if I gave enough, I would finally feel whole. But the love I was searching for, was never yours to give, it was my own. Yet I spent years laying it at your feet, sacrificing myself piece by piece in the name of you.

You were supposed to be my anchor. Instead, you became the silence I learned to live inside. A mothers love, they say it shapes you, teaches you the language of safety, even gives you a map for conquering the world. But, what map was I given when you folded yours away and walked out of sight? I built myself from absence. Every triumph, a solo celebration every heartbreak, a weight I carried alone. I carried all of my burdens alone waiting for your voice to steady me, but it n

In a world full of sirens and slammed doors, we chose each other. Two steady heartbeats beneath the thunder, refusing to drown.

The thought of you pulls at me like gravity in a room with no exit.

I have seen the sky open after the longest storm. That is why I stay. I stay, to keep on witnessing the beauty of the world. I dive headfirst into the unbelievable, where I swim laps with the unsure. I laugh, I float & I do my best not to sink. I tread lightly, knowing the universe has something special waiting for me.

Lost, I may be. Yet, found I always am. And so, even the stars envy the way I keep circling back to wonder.

I kissed the corner of my no’s goodbye, and carved yes into the marrow of my bones. I have decided to let go, to trust and to let things flow. I once held my “no’s” so tightly. Afraid of what could come if I tried things differently. I was so stuck in my own ways, but thankfully not any longer. Now, I dance in the rain, and simply enjoy life’s wonders. This life is mine. And my life is only once in a lifetime. So this is my claim to renew myself and try again.

Forever isn’t long enough, if you ask me. Matter of fact, I don’t even know if “forever” is a real thing. What I do know is that in this life there are moments where I wish I could make the clock freeze. I want to bottle these moments of laughter, and joy. I want to keep them forever. Forever seems like a long time in theory. But have we ever even seen anyone make it there? I’m not sure I have. So, I have been choosing to live life a little more present. I have been slowing t

I sip the thought of you like a heated tea on a cold almost spring morning burning, but necessary. The thoughts consumed me, and suddenly I could no longer put my tea down. I found myself in a spiral of all the could haves, the should haves, or perhaps even the would haves. I started questioning things again, asking what could all this life stuff actually be about? I bet you think that I never think of you, but the truth is, that I do. And in the moments that I think of you

I am allowed to change, just like the seasons. So I am choosing to rewrite myself in sunlight. I am choosing to let go of all that I cannot control. I will be frolicking with whimsy again.

Sleep is not rest for me. Sleep is just my quieter version of drowning.

Hope feels too bright for these hands, but I keep reaching anyway.

Wanting you felt like holding a storm inside my chest.