Chaos with Cait

I grew up dreaming of stability. Not wealth. Not success. Just a floor that stayed beneath my feet. For as long as I remember, every house I lived in felt haunted. Not by ghosts, but by addiction, neglect, rage that traveled through walls, and adults who carried storms inside of them. I was a child, learning to read for danger before I learned safety. I listened for footsteps. Measured voices. Studied slammed doors. Home was never a place. It was a question. Would the lights

I spent years starving myself of the love I hungered for the most. I learned to live with the ache of longing, carrying it like a wound I refused to let heal. I poured every ounce of tenderness into loving you believing that if I gave enough, I would finally feel whole. But the love I was searching for, was never yours to give, it was my own. Yet I spent years laying it at your feet, sacrificing myself piece by piece in the name of you.

You were supposed to be my anchor. Instead, you became the silence I learned to live inside. A mothers love, they say it shapes you, teaches you the language of safety, even gives you a map for conquering the world. But, what map was I given when you folded yours away and walked out of sight? I built myself from absence. Every triumph, a solo celebration every heartbreak, a weight I carried alone. I carried all of my burdens alone waiting for your voice to steady me, but it n

In a world full of sirens and slammed doors, we chose each other. Two steady heartbeats beneath the thunder, refusing to drown.

The thought of you pulls at me like gravity in a room with no exit.

I have seen the sky open after the longest storm. That is why I stay. I stay, to keep on witnessing the beauty of the world. I dive headfirst into the unbelievable, where I swim laps with the unsure. I laugh, I float & I do my best not to sink. I tread lightly, knowing the universe has something special waiting for me.

Lost, I may be. Yet, found I always am. And so, even the stars envy the way I keep circling back to wonder.

I kissed the corner of my no’s goodbye, and carved yes into the marrow of my bones. I have decided to let go, to trust and to let things flow. I once held my “no’s” so tightly. Afraid of what could come if I tried things differently. I was so stuck in my own ways, but thankfully not any longer. Now, I dance in the rain, and simply enjoy life’s wonders. This life is mine. And my life is only once in a lifetime. So this is my claim to renew myself and try again.

Forever isn’t long enough, if you ask me. Matter of fact, I don’t even know if “forever” is a real thing. What I do know is that in this life there are moments where I wish I could make the clock freeze. I want to bottle these moments of laughter, and joy. I want to keep them forever. Forever seems like a long time in theory. But have we ever even seen anyone make it there? I’m not sure I have. So, I have been choosing to live life a little more present. I have been slowing t

I sip the thought of you like a heated tea on a cold almost spring morning burning, but necessary. The thoughts consumed me, and suddenly I could no longer put my tea down. I found myself in a spiral of all the could haves, the should haves, or perhaps even the would haves. I started questioning things again, asking what could all this life stuff actually be about? I bet you think that I never think of you, but the truth is, that I do. And in the moments that I think of you

I am allowed to change, just like the seasons. So I am choosing to rewrite myself in sunlight. I am choosing to let go of all that I cannot control. I will be frolicking with whimsy again.

Sleep is not rest for me. Sleep is just my quieter version of drowning.

Hope feels too bright for these hands, but I keep reaching anyway.

Wanting you felt like holding a storm inside my chest.

He loves me best when it costs him nothing. Late nights. Loose promises. Affection on clearance. He calls this chemistry. I call it convenience. This type of love is a hunger that shows up full and leaves me empty. He wants my body without the responsibility of my heart. He dares ask for my softness without offering any stewardship. He thinks that he gets to experience my magic, without putting in the effort of learning its language. Modern men love in fragments. Half texts.

The storm didn’t leave me clean, the storm left me open. But joy still found its way in anyways.

I invite my heart to open again, to lay its old fears down like tired shoes at the door. What was, does not get to decide what is becoming. I step forward, curious and hopeful. Because, If love has taught me anything, it is that it always finds a way to win.

There is a place where sickness cannot follow. It lives just past the horizon, where the air is soft, the sun is bright and the sky remembers your name. Here, the rivers run with laughter, and the trees grow tall from every dream you thought you’d lost. And in this peaceful place, when you walk, the ground glows gently beneath your feet. A quiet applause for every time you stayed. There are no hospitals here, no scans, no waiting rooms full of whispers. Only wind, light, and

Some nights the moon feels closer than life’s answers.

Love is true even when people are not. Love waits beyond the noise for those who keep believing. Do you believe me?