The Distance Between Us

You were supposed to be my anchor.

Instead, you became the silence I learned to live inside.

A mothers love,

they say it shapes you,

teaches you the language of safety,

even gives you a map for conquering the world.

But, what map was I given when you folded yours away and walked out of sight?

I built myself from absence.

Every triumph, a solo celebration

every heartbreak, a weight I carried alone.

I carried all of my burdens alone

waiting for your voice to steady me,

but it never came.

Do you know how heavy it is to be a daughter without a mother’s hands to remind her that she’s still held?

Do you know how lonely it feels to face the storms of life with no one standing at the door,

watching, waiting, ready to keep the lights on for you?

Parenting is a gift, a complex one.

And, the job does not end when the child grows tall.

Even now, approaching age thirty three

I crave her presence, a simple “I’m here.”

Because the truth is,

no matter how old I become there is a girl inside me still searching for her mother,

a young girl still calling into the distance,

hoping the echo will return as something more than silence.

And yet,

the silence remains,

the silence grows, actually.

Silence is the last, and perhaps the only inheritance she’s left me.